Christmas Unicorn

15 Dec

Poor neglected blog. My viewer stats have decreased, slowly but steadily.

Until a few days ago, I thought that the twelve days of Christmas were before Christmas. Google tells me that it starts on the 25th ends on January 5th. Well there you go.

Christmas is my favourite time of the year. It may be to celebrate Jesus’ birthday but I feel that it’s the world’s birthday. I love Christmas songs, singing about sleigh rides and winter wonderlands despite the 30degree heat over here. Currently listening to ‘Christmas Unicorn’ by Sufjan Stevens. It’s a Christmas song unlike you’ve ever heard before. Utterly mad and I wonder what drugs he was on when he wrote it. I like it but can understand why one wouldn’t like it, a cacophony with weird lyrics and it oddly samples ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’.

Inspired by Momma Be Thy Name and going to write about my top 10 least favourite Christmas songs. Bah, humbug. In no particular order:

Number 1 is definitely ‘The Millennium Prayer’by Cliff Richard. Technically it doesn’t have any mention of Christmas in it but for all intents and purposes, it’s a Christmas song. Just a cheap song, combining the Lord’s Prayer and ‘Auld Lang Syne’. I felt guilty hating this as a kid as it felt blasphemous and it was for charity. It was for charity but it would have been more charitable of Cliff not to release it. Dreck. 

2. ‘Santa Baby’, Madonna’s version. It’s hard to top Eartha Kitt’s playful version but Madonna sounds cutesy and sexless. Eartha sounds sophisticated whilst singing dirty but Madonna sounds like she’s trying to channel Marilyn Monroe. So wrong. Michael Buble has released a ‘male’ version of the song and I’m too afraid to d/l it.

3. ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’by whocares. Not cute, just creepy. The poor kid in song is undoubtedly in therapy now.

4. Band Aid 2’s version of ‘Do They Know it’s Christmas’. I love the original version as cheesy as it is. It was an excellent exercise in PR and prob. didn’t that much good but that’s besides the point. It’s nostalgic and very 80s and whilst it does give a bit of a guilt trip, it does remind us to look out for our fellow humanbeings. Now the BandAid 2 version had Kylie Minogue, Cliff Richard and a few unmemorable 90s singers and it’s a pop mess.

5. ‘Platinum Bells’ by Destiny’s Child. The whole ‘8 Days of Xmas’ album was objectively bad, soulless vanity album. ‘Silent Night’ was oversung by Beyonce so she could show off her vocal ‘range’. Their voices aren’t terrible and Christmas songs are an easy money maker but none of the songs sounded anything like the originals. ‘Platinum Bells’ is a their take on ‘Silver Bells’ but it’s just rubbish.

6. ‘Baby it’s Cold Outside’ Dean Martin. Somebody on a forum said that they thought it as being a ‘Date Rape Christmas Carol’. Sums it up. If it weren’t for the lyrics, it wouldn’t be too bad.

7. ‘Blue Christmas’ by Elvis. I don’t go out of my way to listen to Elvis songs but don’t mind his stuff. ‘Blue Christmas’ is prob. the worst song he’s done. Depressing and rather boring.

8. ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’. Putting this with that Christmas donkey song and one about wanting a hippopotamus. These songs are supremely annoying and only those under 10 could like these songs. Urgh, damn novely songs.

9. ‘The Christmas Song’ by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Remember ‘The Crazy Frog’, ‘Hampton the Hamster, ‘Schnappi’? Remember how you wanted to hurt small animals whenever you heard those songs? Yea. The song is as grating and I hate that helium chipmunk voice. Not cute, annoying.

10. ‘Christmas Shoes’. They made a FILM around the song. They also made a film around Thomas Kincade pictures so there’s no accounting for taste. Urgh, just awful, awful. Overwrought song tries to tug heart strings in an insipidway with poor people realising the ‘true meaning of Christmas.


5 Responses to “Christmas Unicorn”

  1. Jnana Hodson December 15, 2012 at 3:17 pm #

    Oh, yes! Thanks!
    The drive to make the 12 Days of Christmas start on Dec. 13 or 14 comes, not unexpectedly, from the consumer push that also gives us the X-Y-Z More Days countdown — and all of the anxiety that goes with that. (That’s why I hesitate to count Christmas Days as one of them.)
    I’m so grateful to my wife for introducing me fully to the concept of Advent, which somehow puts everything in a different context. We bring the tree in on Christmas Eve, after cutting that morning or a few days previously at a nearby farm. When we unwrap the presents on Christmas morning, there’s still the dinner to anticipate — and likely more presents will show up over the next few mornings. If we go to the Christmas Revels at Harvard, it will be one of the performances after Dec. 25, a far more leisurely approach. Now we play our Christmas music, have the nog, sing along. The 12 Days this way become a time to relax, visit friends, catch up. Even New Year’s Eve takes a new perspective, as part of this.
    Maybe because I’m freed of the “normal” pre-Christmas frenzy, when I do step into a retail establishment, those songs pouring out from above feel truly surreal, for all of the reasons you describe.
    And, gratefully, they be gone by the time the 12 Days begin.

    • philofelinist December 17, 2012 at 1:11 am #

      that sounds absolutely charming! i just looked up the harvard christmas revels and it says ‘The 42nd annual Christmas Revels follows a group of Irish emigrants heading for America aboard the RMS Carpathia’, sounds wonderful.

  2. Ad-libb3d December 15, 2012 at 7:02 pm #

    Thankfully, I haven’t heard most of those on the list. I try to avoid Christmas music for the very reasons you mention.

    I also hate that every artist on the charts pukes out a Christmas album around this time of year, with absolutely no original content whatsoever. I seriously don’t need to hear Justin Bieber’s or Mariah Carey’s or rendition of Silent Night…nor anyone else’s for that matter. Unadulterated marketing bullshit, if you ask me.

    • philofelinist December 16, 2012 at 11:41 pm #

      Try the Sufjan Stevens Chistmas albums. Much less soppy than the other albums. Bieber covered ‘Silent Night’? Is nothing sacred?

  3. Lottie Eve December 15, 2012 at 10:27 pm #

    I have not listened to most of the songs on this list but I don’t I will ever will after reading this! Christmas Unicorn? That is such a awesome song title 🙂 *goes to YouTube*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: